Shinigami Chat Sessions
by Nightlingbolt
Summary: What happens when you give Shinigami and other Bleach characters access to a chatroom? The fit hits the shan, that's what! Chats range from K all the way up to M.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I've had this idea for a while, and it was written I believe the day before Thanksgiving. Of course, it was late when I wrote this, so I decided to hold off until I thought more people were online to read it. That being said, I don't own Bleach or anything else mentioned in here. So, enjoy!**

It was just another day for Ichigo. There was homework here, a Hollow or two there, and of course, that goat-faced idiot he was unfortunate enough to call a father.

So what does a young Substitute Shinigami do at the end of the day? Simple. He logs on to MSN and chats with his friends. Maybe Mizuiro would be on bragging about his new girlfriend. Hell, maybe he'd discover that Keigo actually managed to get a girl to talk to him for more than five seconds. Yes, it was cruel to think of Keigo like that, but, come on, what are his chances?

When Ichigo logged on, he saw that he had an invite to a chat from a Captain13. Ichigo figured this guy was either superstitious, a sailor, or even both. But hey, sailors tell good stories, so Ichigo accepted in the hopes of hearing one.

Captain13 says:

Ichigo, is that you?

Strawberry15 says:

Yeah, who's this?

Captain13 says:

It's Captain Ukitake! Hello!

Strawberry15 says:

WTF?! How did you get my screen name?! And how do you have Internet access?!

Captain13 says:

Blame Rukia and the Twelfth Division respectively.

Strawberry15 says:

I am SO going to kill that midget! And that's really not a straight answer.

Captain 13 says:

Byakuya would kill you before you'd kill Rukia. The man is fierce when it comes to his sister. And to put it simply, Seireitei uses spirit particles like you humans use electricity.

Strawberry15 says:

Good point. I'll just rip up all her Chappy drawings. And that's a much clearer explanation. Thank you.

Captain13 says:

Then she'll be the one to kill you. And you're welcome.

Strawberry15 says:

It'll be worth it. Hey, not that I don't enjoy talking to you, but can I add my friends?

Captain13 says:

Of course! The more, the merrier! I'll add some of the other Shinigami.

+ Hime Hearts Tatsuki has been added to this conversation.

+ Captain10 has been added to this conversation.

+ Big Bad Chad has been added to this conversation.

+ Karate Chick has been added to this conversation.

+ Lieutenant06 has been added to this conversation.

+ Lieutenant10 has been added to this conversation.

+ Captain06 has been added to this conversation.

Lieutenant06 says:

Ichigo! You finally made it!

Strawberry15 says:

Hey, guys!

Karate Chick says:

So these are your Shinigami friends, Ichigo and Orihime?

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Yup! I mean, we're a legitimate couple, aren't we? You deserve to meet my friends!

Captain06 says:

Karate Chick, who invited you to this chatroom?

Captain10 says:

Me. Orihime wouldn't stop talking about her. It's annoying as holy hell!

Captain06 says:

Then why is she here?

Lieutenant10 says:

Because Orihime promised she and Tatsuki would make out in front of him if he invited her.

Karate Chick says:

Orihime, you didn't!

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

WTF?! Of course not! Rangiku!

Lieutenant10 says:

Geez, learn to take a joke, you crazy lovebirds. ;P

Lieutenant06 says:

Though now that you mention it, that would be pretty sweet.

Lieutenant10 says:

LOL.

Captain06 says:

Renji, don't be a pervert.

Lieutenant06 says:

I'm just kidding! Dammit, Captain, take the stick out your ass for once!

Captain13 says:

Everyone, let's all introduce ourselves for Tatsuki's sake. I'll start. Thirteenth Division Captain, Jushiro Ukitake.

Captain06 says:

Sixth Division Captain, Byakuya Kuchiki.

Captain10 says:

Tenth Division Captain, Toshito Hitsugaya.

Captain10 says:

*Toshiro

Karate Chick says:

Toshiro, I know you, Renji, and Rangiku from before, so you don't have to introduce yourselves. And Orihime, change your profile pic.

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Why?

Karate Chick says:

Your breasts are halfway exposed!

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Rangiku said it looks all right.

Captain10 says:

And yet another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Big Bad Chad says:

Tatsuki's right, Orihime. Children use this program, after all.

Captain10 says:

What do you mean by that, Sado? Is that some kind of crack?! And Tatsuki, it's Captain Hitsugaya to you!

Big Bad Chad says:

Crack? Is that a reference to my people?!

Lieutenant06 says:

You mean the Mexicans?

Captain06 says:

No, Renji, he means the tall people.

Captain06 says:

Idiot.

Captain13 says:

Uh, so! Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Strawberry15 says:

I didn't know you liked Twilight.

Captain13 says:

Well, Rukia gave me a copy of the first book, and I have to say, it was a fascinating take on vampires.

Captain13 says:

Anyway, I'm Team Edward. It's obvious he and Bella are truly in love, and I think that's inspiring.

Captain06 says:

I read the whole series at Rukia's request, and I did not like what I read. But if I had to choose, I would say Team Jacob. Bella jumped off a cliff because she thought she heard Edward's voice. And who saved her? Jacob, not Edward!

Captain13 says:

That's what I'm getting at! Bella loves Edward enough to put her own life in danger!

Lieutenant06 says:

I'm Team Bella.

Captain06 says:

Why? She's a blatant Mary-Sue.

Lieutenant06 says:

Yeah, but she's hot.

Lieutenant10 says:

LOL.

Captain06 says:

See? Mary-Sue.

Captain13 says:

I would think there's a very fine line between Mary-Sues and main characters, Byakuya.

+ Lieutenant05 has been added to this conversation.

Lieutenant05 says:

Hi, Shiro-chan!

Captain10 says:

Hello, Bed Wetter.

Captain13 says:

Ah, young love.

Lieutenant05 says:

I'm Team Edward.

Captain10 says:

Why? He doesn't remind you of Aizen, does he?

Lieutenant05 says:

NO!

Captain06 says:

What if he did, Toshiro? Would you kill Robert Patterson?

Lieutenant06 says:

LMAO.

Captain10 says:

Maybe.

Captain06 says:

You know that was a joke, right?

Captain10 says:

*sadistic grin* I'm afraid I didn't get the memo.

Lieutenant10 says:

Captain, you're starting to scare me a bit.

Captain10 says:

Good. Do your paperwork or you'll be my first victim.

Lieutenant10 says:

Meep!

X Lieutenant10 has left the conversation.

Strawberry15 says:

Good job, Toshiro!

Captain10 says:

Thank you.

Karate Chick says:

I don't think Ichigo meant that as a compliment, Toshiro.

Captain10 says:

I don't care. And it's Captain Hitsugaya.

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

I wonder what happened to Momo?

Lieutenant05 says:

EDWARD DOES NOT REMIND ME OF CAPTAIN AIZEN!!!

Big Bad Chad says:

Hable del Diablo.

Strawberry15 says:

What's that?

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

It means "Speak of the Devil."

Karate Chick says:

WTF?! How did you know that?!

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

I picked it up in Hueco Mundo. Yammy used to say it all the time.

Karate Chick says:

Ooookaaaaaay…

Captain06 says:

Renji, I'm expecting an e-mail from Captain Soi Fon today, so I'll need your help bringing up my e-mail.

Lieutenant06 says:

Yes, sir!

Strawberry15 says:

Wait, you can use MSN, but you can't check your e-mail?!

Captain06 says:

…Yes… *hangs head in shame*

Lieutenant06 says:

I don't mind helping. In fact, I like to think of it as Captain/Lieutenant Bonding Time.

Lieutenant05:

Not to be confused with Captain/Lieutenant Bondage Time, right?

Captain06 says:

?!

Lieutenant06 says:

WTF?!?!

Captain13 says:

That would explain all the BDSM gear we found in Aizen's office.

Lieutenant05 says:

What? You guys don't have Captain/Lieutenant Bondage Time?

Lieutenant06 says:

WTF?! NO!!!

Lieutenant05 says:

DAMMIT, AIZEN!!! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT CAPTAIN/LIEUTENANT BONDAGE TIME!!!

Captain10 says:

AIZEN!!!

X Captain10 has left the conversation.

Captain13 says:

CODE WHITE!!!

X Captain13 has left the conversation.

X Captain06 has left the conversation.

X Lieutenant06 has left the conversation.

X Lieutenant05 has left the conversation.

Strawberry15 says:

What the hell was that all about?

Karate Chick says:

They're your friends. You tell me.

Big Bad Chad says:

g2g. I'm practicing with my band later.

Strawberry15 says:

I gotta leave too. There's a patient at the clinic, and Dad needs my help.

Karate Chick says:

Okay, see you at school.

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Bye, Ichigo! Bye, Chad!

X Strawberry15 has left the conversation.

X Big Bad Chad has left the conversation.

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Well, we're all alone.

Karate Chick says:

Yup.

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Wanna cyber?

Karate Chick says:

No. I'll just come over and we can do the real thing.

Hime Hearts Tatsuki says:

Can't wait, babe!

X Hime Hearts Tatsuki has left the conversation.

X Karate Chick has left the conversation.

**Just for the record, IO don't like Twilight at all. My knowledge on the subject is pretty much what ilovemybishies87 on deviantArt posts.**


	2. Chapter 2

Strawberry15 says:  
Hey, Toshiro!

Captain10 says:  
It's Hitsugaya-taicho! And hello.

Strawberry15 says:  
So, what was with that Code White thing the other day?

Strawberry15 says:  
Hold on, Rangiku's on. I'll add her.

+ Lieutenant10 has been added to the conversation.

Captain10 says:  
That's top-secret Shinigami information to be given strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Lieutenant10 says:  
No it's not! He's just embarrassed about it!

Captain10 says:  
Rangiku!

Lieutenant10 says:  
Come on, Ichigo won't tell! Hell, he may even be able to help!

Captain10 says:  
Fine. But know this, Ichigo Kurosaki. If you tell ANYONE outside the Gotei 13 about this, I will freeze you to death, crush your icy remains, and feed them to Hyorinmaru!

Lieutenant10 says:  
So basically, you'll give Hyorinmaru a strawberry snow cone.

Captain10 says:  
When did I say that?

Lieutenant10 says:  
It's called a pun, Taicho.

Strawberry15 says:  
Yeah, like I haven't heard enough jokes about my name, WHICH, incidentally, is supposed to mean "One who protects!"

Captain10 says:  
Duly noted.

Captain10 says:  
Anyway, whenever I feel extreme anger, my reiatsu spikes to dangerous levels. If that happens, someone declares a "Code White," and a Captain is called in to counter my reiatsu with their own so I don't deep-freeze half the Seireitei.

Strawberry15 says:  
Huh. My reiatsu's probably the most unstable Soul Society's ever seen, but I haven't blown anything up in anger.

Captain10 says:  
Really? Well, you always were an anomaly.

Strawberry15 says:  
Yeah, I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma shrouded in a riddle.

Lieutenat10 says:  
Geez, I came here for a chat, not a thesaurus!

Lieutenant10 says:  
And now, it's time for Gin!

+ Silver Fox has been added to the conversation.

_Gin Ichimaru was one of the traitors who defected from Soul Society with Aizen. However, when he was ordered to kill Rangiku during the battle at Fake Karakura Town, he turned on the hypnotist. In the same battle, Aizen revealed that he was the Shinigami who killed Kaname Tosen's friend. Aizen had killed Tosen after figuring out his Bankai. He almost did the same to Gin, but Ichigo stepped in, and after a climactic final battle, defeated and killed Aizen._

_And as for Gin? Well, for turning on Aizen, Gin was not put to death as is the custom for traitors. However, for his part in the rebellion, he was stripped of his powers and exiled to the World of the Living. This wasn't so bad, as Soul Society was kind enough to provide background information for Gin so he could make a life in the Living World. He currently attended Karakura High with Ichigo and his friends, who, despite initial caution, had taken to Gin quite well. He currently lives in Orihime's apartment building – across from her apartment, no less._

Silver Fox says:  
Hi, guys!

Captain10 says:  
God damn it, now I want a strawberry snow cone! Be right back!

Silver Fox says:  
Guess where Orihime is right now.

Lieutenant10 says:  
Where?

Silver Fox says:  
I dunno, I'm just her neighbor. :)

Lieutenant10 says:  
LOL, maybe she's over at Tatsuki's.

Silver Fox says:  
Why, Rangiku! Are you insinuating that Hime and her girlfriend are doing naughty things?!

Lieutenant10 says:  
Maybe.

Silver Fox says:  
Sweet. :D

Strawberry15 says:  
GIN!!!

Silver Fox says:  
What? Don't tell me you don't find your female friends having fun, well, fun.

Strawberry15 says:  
Okay, I do, but at least I'm a gentleman about it!

Silver Fox says:  
Such as your little trip to the men's room yesterday?

Strawberry15 says:  
I told you, I was fighting a Hollow!

Silver Fox says:  
Then why didn't your badge go off?

+ Sexy Sexta has joined the conversation.

Strawberry15 says:  
At least I can fight Hollows! AND I never sided with them!

Captain10 says:  
Back, hey Grimmjow, hey, Ichimaru.

Sexy Sexta says:  
Hey, Shiro! And what's that supposed to mean, Kurosaki?!

Strawberry15 says:  
You're different, Grimmjow! You and Ulquiorra sided with us!

Captain10 says:  
I come back to this shit? *facepalm*And Grimmjow, it's Hitsugaya-taicho! You know that!

Silver Fox says:  
Let's add some ladies on here tonite!

+ Cuarta Espada has been added to the conversation.

+ Shirayuki Bunny has been added to the conversation.

+ Lieutenant05 has been added to the conversation.

+ Black Cat Woman has been added to the conversation.

Sexy Sexta says:  
I don't know too many ladies, so I added Ulquiorra instead.

Cuarta Espada says:  
How can you call me a lady when you've seen my penis for yourself?

Sexy Sexta says:  
Shit, are you that dense that you don't realize sarcasm when you hear it?

Cuarta Espada says:  
And anyway, Grimmjow, you're obviously the woman in our relationship.

Sexy Sexta says:  
What, so just because I'm the uke, I'm the woman?! Well let me tell you something, Ulquiorra Cifer! I'm only on the bottom because I love the shit you do to me! Hell, if I wanted to, I'd top you like a pizza!

Black Cat Woman says:  
Top you like a pizza? That's a new one.

Cuarta Espada says:  
Well, then. Put up or shut up, as the humans say.

Strawberry15 says:  
Uh, we don't all say that.

Cuarta Espada says;  
No one cares.

Silver Fox says:  
Ooh, you got told!

Lieutenant10 says:  
What songs do you have on your MP3 player that no one expects you to have?

Sexy Sexta says:  
Best Days of Your Life, by Kellie Pickler.

Strawberry15 says:  
OMG LMAO!

Sexy Sexta says:  
Shut up! It was stuck in my head when I downloaded it, and I'm not wasting the $1.29 I spent on it!

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
Yeah, Ichigo, and don't forget you have Mariah Carey on your iPod!

Strawberry15 says:  
It's Hero! That's a classic power ballad right there!

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
Then why do you have "Dream Lover" on there?

Sexy Sexta says:  
ROTFLOL at Ichigo! Anything but Hero is crap!

Captain10 says:  
I have "Hot Blooded" on my Heart (Soul Society's answer to the iPhone). And Grimmjow, what about her version of "I'll Be There?"

Sexy Sexta says:  
One, what's so weird about that? Two, The Jackson Five's version is superior in every way.

Captain10 says:  
One, if you had a sense of irony, you'd get that. Two, possibly, but I'm a sucker for power ballads.

Sexy Sexta says:  
Kid, lemme tell you something. "I'll Be There," be it Mariah Carey or The Jackson Five, is not a fucking power ballad!

Captain10 says:  
What about "You Are Not Alone?"

Sexy Sexta says:  
Okay, that's a power ballad.

Captain10 says:  
Just checking.

Cuarta Espada says:  
"Love Story," by Taylor Swift.

Lieutenant05 says:  
OMG, me too!

Lieutenant10 says:  
Momo? I thought you died on us.

Silver Fox says:  
She was probably Googling Aizen Rule 34.

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
What's Rule 34?

Strawberry15 says:  
"If it exists, there is porn of it."

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
Anything that exists?

Silver Fox says:  
Yeah. Hell, there may even be some Chappy porn I can send you.

+ Captain06 has been added to the conversation.

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
FUCK NO!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE NAME OF CHAPPY IN VAIN!!! NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TURN YOU INTO A MINIATURE CHAPPY ICE SCULPTURE!!!

Lieutenant10 says:  
Better than a strawberry snow cone, at least. :)

Lieutenant05 says:  
I WAS NOT GOOGLING AIZEN-TAICHOU RULE 34!

Captain06 says:  
I am going to kill whoever added me. :(

Silver Fox says:  
Sorry. I thought you'd like to see Rukia's little meltdown.

Captain06 says:  
Chappy Rule 34? Really, Ichimaru? And Rukia, don't blame Ichimaru. He's not the one who invented Rule 34.

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
Nii-sama! I didn't realize you were on!

Captain06 says:  
Am I not on your Friends List?

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
No, Nii-sama, you are! I was focused on the conversation, that's all!

Silver Fox says:  
Uh-oh! Rukia's in trouble!

Captain06 says:  
GTFO, Ichimaru.

Silver Fox says:  
All right, fine. I know when I'm not wanted! :(

Silver Fox says:  
And BTW, Ulquiorra, I think I've lost a little respect for you.

X Silver Fox has left the conversation.

Black Cat Woman says:  
Now look what you've done, Byakuya!

Captain06 says:  
He started it.

Captain10 says:  
Dammit, Grimmjow, now I want pizza! Matsumoto! Get me the menu for Seireitei House of Pizza!

Lieutenant10 says:  
Yes sir! Bye, guys!

X Lieutenant10 has left the conversation.

X Captain10 has left the conversation.

Strawberry15 says:  
LOL, I just got the irony of Toshiro liking Hot Blooded. :)

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
I like that song, too.

Cuarta Espada says:  
Well, Grimmjow. When would you like to prove your point?

Sexy Sexta says:  
No time like the present. ;D

X Sexy Sexta has left the conversation.

X Cuarta Espada has left the conversation.

Captain06 says:  
I have to go too. I have a clan meeting to attend. God, strike me down now. DX

Black Cat Woman says:  
Ah, meetings. The reason the Four Great Clans haven't reached their full potential.

Captain06 says:  
LOL, this is true.

X Captain06 has left the conversation.

Strawberry15 says:  
Well, it seems I'm the only guy in the conversation.

Black Cat Woman says:  
Indeed, you are.

Lieutenant05 says:  
Guys, I need to go train. Tobiume says I'm close to realizing Bankai.

Black Cat Woman says:  
You are? Well, that's wonderful, Momo!

Shirayuki Bunny says:  
Yeah, good luck, Hinamori-fukutaicho!

Lieutenant05 says:  
Thanks, guys! TTFN!

X Lieutenant05 has left the conversation.

X Shirayuki Bunny has left the conversation.

X Strawberry15 has left the conversation.

Black Cat Woman says:  
Ichigo? Rukia?

Black Cat Woman says:  
They must be fighting a Hollow.

Black Cat Woman says:  
Well, shit.

Black Cat Woman says:  
And now I'm talking to myself.

Black Cat Woman says:  
Double shit.

X Black Cat Woman has left the conversation.

**A/N: And because I love you all, please enjoy this little omake.**

"Watermelon pizza, Taicho?" Rangiku asked. "Really?"

"What?" said Toshiro. "I like watermelon, and I like pizza."

"But why would you put watermelon on your pizza?" Rangiku asked.

"Why would I put watermelon on my pizza?" Toshiro repeated incredulously. "Well, why would you put pepperoni on your pizza?! Why would you put mushrooms, onions, meatballs, ANYTHING AT ALL on your pizza?!"

"Good point," said Rangiku, thinking that was the end of the conversation.

"No, I'm really asking!" said Toshiro.

"Oh!" exclaimed Rangiku. "Uh... I... I honestly don't know, Taicho."

"Because it's THERE, Matsumoto! Because it EXISTS!" Toshiro declared passionately.

"So, if it exists, it's a pizza topping?" Rangiku asked confusedly.

"Yes!" replied Toshiro.

"Kind of like Rule 34."

"Er... I guess so."

Rangiku thought for a moment. Finally, she asked, "Do you think there's such a thing as pizza porn?" This caused Toshiro to laugh uncontrollably.

"Matsumoto... have you been... drinking?!" Toshiro asked between laughs.

"No more than usual," admitted Rangiku.

Toshiro continued to laugh. When he finally calmed down, he said, "Let's see!" and made his way over to Rangiku's computer, because it didn't have child blocks, unlike his own. Rangiku could only grapple with the ominous feeling in her stomach.

**20 seconds later...**

"I AM NEVER EATING PIZZA AGAIN!!!" Toshiro declared after seeing a man's penis wedged between two slices of pizza.


End file.
